Zero Kills Date
by doctoring
Summary: Spideypool! In which Wade finally gets a chance to take Peter out on a date. All he has to do is not kill for a month. Totally doable, right?
1. Wade's New Motivation

_A/N: I originally started posting this story on my AO3 account. Not sure why I didn't post it on here. So here we gonna. Finally a new fandom._

_Warning for brief mention of distributing drugs to minors._

_Will have a separate warning for the next chapter._

* * *

"I just don't see the point, not when there are _so many_ people who _deserve_ to die."

Peter groans and slides his hand down his face in frustration. He groans again when he must readjust his mask, so his mouth is exposed again. He angrily takes another bite of his meal.

They've been talking for nearly an hour about Wade killing. Peter brought up the topic regularly in hopes of convincing him not to do it, but today, it seems like Wade is even more grounded in his ideology of killing.

Peter looks over at Wade when he hears him balling up his trash from their rooftop taco dinner. Wade then points to a trash bin down the alley and says, "If I make the basket, you're getting lunch tomorrow."

Wade throws the trash, but Spider-man uses his web to catch it and bring it back.

"HEY! THAT'S CHEATING!"

Peter ignored his protests. He stared at the ball of trash, deep in thought. _He likes making bets and cutting deals… maybe… maybe I can get him to stop killing if the incentive was good enough…_

Peter tosses the trash back at Wade.

"How about you don't kill for a month-"

"GASP! HOW DARE YOU-"

Peter clamps a hand over Wadde's mouth so he can continue. "How about you don't kill for a month, just apprehend the perp and let the police take over… and I'll get lunch for a week."

Peter removed his hand to hear what Wade was saying. "-quivalent exchange, you know. So it's gotta be a month of food for a month of not killing."

"But that's hardly fair since you don't even go on missions every day of the month." _And it's hardly fair for my wallet._

"Still. I won't do it."

"Don't kill for a month, just apprehend, and… and… I'll buy lunch for a week and let you hug me without webbing you to a wall for three hours."

"Tempting, very tempting, but I don't mind getting webbed."

Peter really wished Wade was wearing his mask so he wouldn't have to see the eyebrow waggle and the lewd face Wade was giving him right now.

"C'mon Wade, there's gotta be-"

"Nope. And I can't right now. I actually have a mission tomorrow so unless you're gonna be paying more than they are, which I doubt, there's just no way I can avoid killing right now."

_Crap. He has a mission tomorrow. I need to stop this._

"Fine, whatever you want. Don't kill for the next month, and I'll do whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?"

Spider-man gulps, realizing his error. "Whatever within reason."

"Within reason, ugh, fine… how about a date?"

Peter breathed out a sigh of relief and mumbled, "Is that all?"

_"'IS THAT ALL?' Well, damn, Petey, if you wanna just skip the date and go straight to-"_

_"STOP! NO! Just a normal date with no physical contact is fine, in exchange for you not killing anyone for the next month, tomorrow's mission included."_

_"How about… I don't kill for a month, and we go on a date and make-out?"_

_Peter gave him a blank stare. "We go on a date and you can stand within four inches of me, but no closer."_

_Wade pulled on his mask and stood up. "Fine. I don't kill for a month and we go on a date, degree of physical contact pending, but at minimum there will be some light hand-holding."_

_Wade then reaches down and shakes Peter's hand. Peter quickly snatches his hand back. "Wade, I never agreed to that."_

_"But you shook!"_

_"Fine! Date with very brief hand-holding but only if YOU DO NOT KILL. STARTING NOW."_

_Wade claps and squeals in delight before turning to run off._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"If I can't kill, I'm gonna need some electrical tape and a decorative pillow for tomorrow's mission," Wade calls out over his shoulder before ducking into the door to the stairs._

_Peter watches him leave, trying to figure out how electrical tape and a pillow can help him not kill. He ultimately gives up and goes out on patrol alone._

_I really hope I don't end up regretting this deal… but it should be worth it right? He's not killing, so that's good. And a date with him can't be that bad, he can be funny and sweet… sometimes… when he wants to… which isn't often, but it __has__ happened before… Wait, can't he just lie, though? Say he didn't kill anyone. I mean, I don't see what he does on missions so how am I to know? He wouldn't lie though, would he? I hope not, at least… Shoot. I'm going on a date with Deadpool, aren't I?_

* * *

Five days later, Spider-man was out on patrol when he sees Deadpool sitting on a rooftop. What was odd was that he had his arms straight out in front of him, palms up, with his fingers wiggling up and down. Peter quietly approached him and sat down next to him before saying, "What are you doing?"

Deadpool gasped and looked over. "It worked!"

"What worked?"

"I knew I could hack into your Spidey-senses and let you know I'm here!"

Peter rolled his eyes. "It doesn't work like that. I just saw-"

"Your Spidey-senses told you I was here and that I didn't kill anyone!"

"Huh?"

"I completed my mission without a single death! Unless you count the death of someone's left hand. But the rest of him is alive, so_ I_ count it as _not_ killing."

_Did he… did he cut off someone's… nope. Nevermind. I don't want to know._

"That's… good, I suppose… I mean, you technically didn't kill, so…"

"Yup! Only three more days of no killing and we get to go on that date and make-out!"

"Woah, woah, woah! Three days!? NO! We said a month and it hasn't even been a week!"

"I would like to point out that your protest was about the timeframe, which I was hoping you would have forgotten how long my zero-kills streak was supposed to be, and _not_ the part about making out."

"I was getting to that!"

"Woah, Webs, no rush. You'll get to that once my month is up."

Peter knew there was no point in protesting after seeing DP pull out a burrito. Arguing with Wade when he wants something that he can't have is a difficult process. But when you throw in food from one of his favorite food trucks, it becomes an impossible process.

Six days later, Peter was taking the scenic route through to park on his way home, when a man in a hoodie jogs up to him. Typically, a man with his hood up in the hot summer sun, running towards him, would raise suspicion, but he knew it was Wade.

Before Peter could even say hello, Wade says, "One mission and two local issues, zero deaths!"

Peter couldn't help but beam at him. "Dude! That's awesome!"

Wade lifted his head enough for the sun to hit part of his face. "You proud of me?"

"Of course, I'm proud of you!"

Wade clasps a hand over his heart and gasps. "Petey! We're in public! Quit with the dirty talk! Save that for our date in nineteen days."

Peter just rolled his eyes.

"Wanna hear how I apprehended the perp without killing?"

"Sure," Peter said, smiling, knowing that even if he said 'no,' Wade would want to brag anyways.

* * *

This pattern of behavior continued for the next two weeks. Whenever Wade would see Peter, he would give him an update, detailing all his missions and the acts of crime in town that he thwarted, all without taking a single life. Even if there was no such new event to detail, he would still remind Peter he hasn't killed, along with reminding Peter of how many days until he has to hold up his end of the deal with a date, though they didn't always agree on the amount of physical contact Wade was permitted.

* * *

When there was five days left until the end of Deadpool's zero kills streak, he goes on another small mission. It was supposed to be a simple one with less than a dozen perps, including the lackeys. However, the main target had a mouth on him, one that made Wade look civil and reserved. It didn't help that he was bragging about distributing his drugs to children and teens. Before he knew it, Wade had snapped and killed him. He emptied the entire magazine into the man's face and torso, at first at disgust towards the man but the last few bullets were because he realized he ruined his no-kill streak along with his chances of dating Peter.


	2. Again, but with More Pizzazz!

With two days left in the deal, Deadpool meets up with Spider-man to do a nightly patrol. It didn't take long for Spider-man to realize something was off. Deadpool was a talker, even when on the verge of bleeding out, he still found a way to crack wise. But tonight, he only said about 3 words total and Peter was beginning to believe this might not be the real Deadpool.

"Dude. Though I do appreciate quiet every once in a while, this is unnerving."

Spider-man glances over at him just in time to catch him shrug. He led the way to the top of an apartment building, and sat on the ledge of the roof, gesturing for Deadpool to sit beside him.

As soon as Deadpool plops down beside him, Spider-man says, "Please tell me what's going on with you."

Deadpool lets out a heavy sigh before dramatically leaning over onto Peter, resting his head on his shoulder. "I fucked up."

"How?"

"I killed a man."

Peter stays silent for a moment, wondering why he feels a bit disappointed. He tries to convince himself it's all because someone died and has nothing to do with not getting a date with Wade. When he does speak, all he manages is a quiet, "Ah. I see."

"BUT HE WAS _SUCH_ AN ASSHOLE! He really did have it coming!"

"But still, you killed someone."

"I know, I know. But… can I have a redo? Pretty please, Spidey?"

"I don't know…" _Maybe correlating dates with no-killing was a bad idea…_

Deadpool sits up and rips off his mask, staring intently at Spider-man. "Please, please, please! Think of this as a trial run! I did so good! I know I can do it if you give me another chance! Just one more month!"

Peter just looks at him.

"Fine! Two months! Anything for that date…"

"How about you just stop killing people because it's wrong."

"Yeah, I'm starting to see that… but I also want a chance to go out on a date with you." Deadpool said, pouting slightly and acting bashful as he kicked at air.

"Fine. Two months this time, and you'll get that date."

Spider-man quickly swung away to avoid the bear-hug Wade was sure to give him. He looks back to see Wade face down on the ledge, obviously unable to stop from falling after lunging towards Peter. He laughs to himself, glad that there's another chance to go out with Wade.

For the next no-kill stint, Wade proudly announces his lack of kills for each mission and crime-fighting adventure, but in a grander style than before. And instead of just reminding Peter of how many days are left until their date, he also asks questions about what they should do for their first date. Naturally, he squeals each time he says, "first date."

Peter, however, deflects those questions and tells Wade to just keep focusing on not killing anyone.

Peter didn't mind Wade's excitement over the lack of kills and the possibility of a date until about three weeks into this second deal, when they stopped a gang from mugging a group of teenagers.

After the gang was apprehended, Deadpool made a huge spectacle of pointing to each individual perp and shouting, "NOT DEAD!" He then proceeded to skip out of the alley while chanting, "I'm going on a date with Spider-man! I'm going on a date with Spider-man! I'm going on a date with Spider-man!"

"Hey, you really dating that freak?" said the perp nearest Spider-man.

He webbed his mouth shut in response. He then webbed the mouths of the rest of the gang for good measure.

When he met back up with Deadpool, Wade immediately asked, "So what's this about you webbing all their mouths?"

Peter looked over and saw the police scanner next to Wade. "Added protection."

Wade simply laughed.

A little over a month into Deadpool's second zero-kill streak, Wade invites Peter to come over and play video games.

However, when Peter arrives, he sees that Wade has an easel set up in front of the TV, with a poster board propped up on it. Peter allows Wade to go down the list on the poster board, detailing the events of his recent double mission, and how he apprehended all the perpetrators. Peter noted the way Wade excited pointed out the last line, written boldly in glittery purple crayon.

**ZERO KILLS**

Wade then flips the board over, revealing a math equation. Peter cocked his head in confusion, wondering why it said "25 + 36 = 2"

"Wade, I think your math is off… by a lot."

"Nope! The 25 days before and the 36 days now means I've done 2 months of no killing so-"

"No, sir! That's not how that works! You said a _re-do_, which means the zero kills timeframe started over. You're only a month and some change in, but still got a few more weeks to go."

"But-"

"No!"

"It's been two months technically!"

"Two _consecutive _months starting from when you asked for the redo!"

"But-"

"If you argue with me, _ALL_ physical contact will be banned from the date."

Wade quickly kicks the easel over, then kicks it again until it's out of the way completely. He then plops down on the couch and grabs a controller. "So, what do you want to play?"

Peter laughed aloud at Wade's complete change of topic after his threat.

Six weeks into their deal, Deadpool knew he probably wouldn't make it.

The current target was running a kidnapping and prostitution ring, using drugs to keep their victims too sedated to refuse or run away. To make matter worse, the target had no restriction on age, so several of the victims were minors.

Anything less than death was too merciful for Deadpool.

He still tried to stop from killing anyone, just incapacitate and apprehend anyone he met that wasn't a victim. Along the way, he tried to usher the victims towards areas of safety. With each drugged or scared face he saw, the resistance towards killing waned. The last victim he helped was a boy far too young to even fully understand what's been going on, completely disgusting Deadpool. As soon as the boy was hidden away in a backroom until help arrived, Deadpool went on a rampage. He killed the leader of the ring and everyone else he met along the way.

This time, he was a little upset that he messed up his second shot at a date with Peter, but that was greatly outweighed by his disgust and hatred towards the target and his sorrow for the victims. Once more help arrived to take the children away, Deadpool left.

He wanted to just sleep away all this nonsense, but he instead found himself lying in bed, contemplating when killing can be avoided versus when it's acceptable, especially in his line of work.

Two days after Deadpool returned home, he found Peter sitting on the rooftop waiting to begin their nightly patrol. He approached him with his head hung low.

He plopped down next to Spidey with a heavy sigh, ripping off his mask and resting his head on his shoulder.

After several moments of silence, Wade groaned and scooted closer. He turned his head to bury his face against Spider-man's neck. Peter tensed at first, but soon realized that Wade wasn't trying to make a move but was just trying to comfort himself. After another minute of silence, Peter quietly says, "You didn't make it did you? Killed someone?"

"You knew!?" Deadpool half-shouted, sitting up-right.

"Well… you are sulking."

"I just wanted that date." Deadpool leaned back and started throwing his arms and legs, giving a proper fit.

"I see that."

Wade then stills, realization dawning on him.

"You don't seem surprised."

"Not really, no offense."

"You thought I was going to fail the whole time! Is that why you agreed to a date!?"

"Woah, woah, woah! No! It's nothing like that!"

Wade pouts at him.

Peter continues. "I've just been thinking… we shouldn't go cold turkey with it… Maybe just start with not killing anyone with minor offenses or any of the henchmen or lackeys, then work up to no killing at all."

"So, another month for a date? I can totally-"

"No. No bet or deal or whatever this was… just… don't kill people with minor offenses, okay?"

"Okay, fine."

Before Wade can say anything else, Peter jerks his head to the side, and says, "Gotta go!" and swings away.

_Oooh. Must have been his Spidey-sense. Wait, can he used that to tell if I killed someone? Like, did he sense that I failed on our deal?_

Wade sits on the edge of the rooftop, contemplating just how strong these Spidey-sense were and how to get that date.

_He didn't say no date. Just not one contingent on not killing. What about… not injuring people? Not pulling pranks on the Avengers? Maybe if he-_

Spider-man then comes back, even though it's only been a few minutes.

"Back so soon?"

"Yeah, just a purse snatcher. Didn't take much to apprehend. Left him webbed to a light pole."

Wade laughed. Then pouted again.

"You still sulking?"

Wade nods, looking down at his shoes.

"I just feel like I've let you down. I tried, honest, and I'm even understanding first-hand what you were saying about degrees of crime and ethics and everything… I just… It was absolutely horrible, _they were children, Spidey, innocent children…_ I didn't see any other solution to prevent him from being released from prison and doing it again in five years, so I killed him. And now… ugh… I'm sorry if I disappointed you. That's the last thing I wanted to do."

He doesn't move when Peter takes his hand in his, instead he just sits as still as possible, torn between sulking and living in the moment of Peter allowing and _initiating _physical contact.

He feels his hand lift but still doesn't move.

He finally jerks his head towards Spider-man when he feels the press of lips against the back of his scarred hand.

He sees Peter grinning at him, his mask completely off.

Wade and Peter hang out occasional outside of work, so seeing his face is nothing new. But Peter is usually decked out in his civilian clothes then. Thus, seeing Peter with his mask completely removed, but otherwise decked out in Spidey-gear, feels almost intimate. _It took _weeks_ for me to convince the dork that it was okay to move the mask a little to have a taco while on patrol. _

So, having the mask completely out of sight, just for Wade… Well, it's no wonder he currently feels like his heart is about to burst through his chest.

_AND HE KISSED ME! IT WAS ONLY ON THE HAND BUT HE KISSED ME!_

And, yeah, that too.

"I should probably go back and make sure he's still webbed to the light pole." Peter says, putting on his mask after dropping Wade's hand. "Still need to contact the police."

"You just left him there!?" Wade said incredulously.

"Yeah, realized I left before giving you this."

He reaches down to the ground, picking up a brick. Peter retrieves a folded-up piece of computer paper that was pinned under it. He hands it to Wade.

"What's this? A love note, perhaps!?" Deadpool held the paper against his chest.

Peter snorts out a laugh before shooting a string of web to the building in front of them. "Try to stop sulking by Friday!" He shouts back at Wade as he swings away.

Wade sighs heavily. "But that's in two hours, technically, if you mean Friday-midnight! How can I get over fucking up my chances for a date by then?" he shouts at Peter.

He sees Peter swing back towards him.

"You'll get over it!" Spider-man shouts as he nears Deadpool, before swinging away again.

Wade grumbles to himself. "I only had two more weeks and I fucked it all up!"

He lays back on the rooftop, pouting. He haphazardly unfolds the paper, a bit nervous at what it might be. His eyes skim the paper three times before he bolts up.

He jumps from the roof onto a nearby fire-escape and tries chasing after Peter. He wanted to confirm if this was real and ask him a hundred other related questions.

It wasn't a love note, but these movie tickets were just as good.


End file.
